Back-up, back-up scarf? Good thing we’re here.
This is a guest post by Matt Biggerstaff from Constantly Offside and special in support of #USMNT Supporter Group, The American Outlaws. Thanks Matt.
The American Outlaws go on Location to South Africa 2010
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen and welcome to this edition of American Outlaws head for: South Africa! Slightly different then our previous exotic locations of Sandy Utah and Columbus Ohio but exotic none the less, I’m here to break down your packing list for your departure, which may I remind you is less than one month away! So time to put down the beer bong, gather up the homies, and listen up, cuz this shit just got serious. It’s BUSINESS TIME!
First off, we are going to start with getting there! As they say, better late than never, so head on over to your favorite airline site and pick up some tickets to get to South Africa for the very low price of $2800 dollars!
Oh, so you are one of the smart members of AO who bought their plane ticket before today? What do you mean back in February? Who does that? For those of you traveling by boat, honestly you don’t even have time for this list, you better get your ass to the port ASAP because when I say that ship has sailed, I mean it in the most literal sense possible.
Bon Voyage mate! Hope your cabin has ESPN!
Here’s what you should be bringing. Feel free to share this list with friends, that way not all of you try and carry on 32 gallons of paint. Combine and conquer if you will!
The back up American Flag Bandanna(s?) – The most critical part of your ensemble, the American Flag bandanna lets the world know that you are AO! Not only can you rhyme, but you rep AMERICA! However, sneaky customs agents might see that glorious piece of apparel and think they too can become an AO member just by pilfering yours. Never fear, because you have 1, 2, or 7 backup AO bandannas! Good planning sir!
A pair of pants! Seriously, bring at least one. And wear them. Airport security does not take kindly to the pantless. Especially if you are going commando. Don’t let this trip get grounded before you even get out of the States. You may be as free as the wind, but your goods should not be that free in the airport. Or airplane. Get it together.
A brief shirt checklist to ensure you have the vitals: US away jersey – check. US home jersey – check. 8 other previous US jerseys – check. American Outlaws shirt – check. Free Beer Movement shirt? Check. Traitor gear? Indeed. Lion carcass for new 5 Lions mascot – check!
Red White and Blue body paint to make your own shirts – CHECK! and to make pants too – check i guess? and underwear – EASY THERE TIGER this isn’t Sports Illustrated and most of you don’t look like a WAG I want to see in paint only.
Considering it is winter, we want to layer and accessorize! How do we do that? With US SCARVES of course! USMNT scarf, Copa America 2007 scarf, U20 World Cup scarf, AO supporters scarf, official World Cup scarf, and any other scarves you can think of! We guarantee one thing with this packing list and that is that your neck will be warm! Maybe you can even make a scarf
American Cape – enough said. (Boxing gloves optional but encouraged!)
Big ass American flag: Where my rich people at! Who’s gonna pick up the luggage fee for bringing this bad boy? That behemoth, yeah the one below, that ain’t flying itself to South Africa. Although, with the right wind and some good guidance from an experience flag transporter, maybe it just might… or maybe we could ride it to the World Cup like Aladdin did with the magic carpet.
Imagine that, 500 US fans riding a giant flying American flag to Africa! No, I don’t do any psychedelic drugs, why do you ask?
A tin can and the other end of the string that you left back home. You know, for long distance calls back to the States to connect with friends about awesome USMNT victories and that pack of hyenas that was waiting anxiously outside your door this morning.Roaming charges are pretty expensive, good thing tin cans and string never fail! Mind you, they don’t send text messages really well and convincing the airline to let you fly the string off of the back of the plane all the way to Africa is pretty tricky. Not to mention layovers or plane changes….
Life size portraits of the American Revolution! to remind England that we have danced this dance before and to give their fans a parting gift after a potential upset. Even after a loss, just to remind them of our nation’s superiority off the field and hopefully on the field too! When you look into the stands and see an 18th century depiction of George Washington staring back at you, well, that will leave you quaking in your knickers!
“Bob? Is that you?”
Now there are always some difficulties with traveling in foreign countries, so we now move to the practical area with those little things you must have with you.
Passport: You got a passport holder? Cool. I’m getting my passport tattooed on my back. Wanna make a wager on who loses theirs first?
Money: I heard money belts work well, but let’s take it to the next level. We are going with the holster money belt, just like a thigh gun holster.
Only for your money. In critical dangerous situations, grab your….. oh sh*t, that’s not a weapon, that’s my money! And I just drew it in front of all these….. oh boy, this is trouble. Pic: “No silly, a Wallet Holster”
Game Tickets: Wait what? Game tickets? I thought J Brunk had those? He is holding onto to those for all of us yes? What do you mean he flew out and we were supposed to pick those up two nights ago? Well these are one of those things we are making sure that we have in our money holst…. oh boy, who left that back in Pretoria.
Hand Written Letters to Nigerian Citizens: Remember those kind letters all those Nigerian Princes wrote Americans over the last ten years? It’s time to make sure they get repaid for their kindness! Meeting up with all the Nigerian fans will allow us to thank them for all the kind offers and deliver letters from American Billionaires who want to move to Nigeria but can’t get their money out of the US because no one knows what the Nigerian currency is. If they could just kindly send these helpless billionaires one of each of Nigeria’s bills, they will be repaid 1000 times over! Can’t forget these!
A prepaid cellphone with 30 minutes on it – This is useful to ensure that you can call in sick every day from Africa! Just make sure you only use one minute a day. I highly recommend the call at about 5 AM to maximize effectiveness and minimize minutes. Mind you, World Cup Fever is NOT an actual illness as far as your boss is concerned, although long lunches and early meetings where you have to be out of the office are reported cures for this “Fever”. Just saying.
Now the best thing about lists are that you can always add to them. I got the ball rolling but I’m sure there are plenty of items that I am forgetting. Funny how this reflects real life so appropriately… what else should be going with Team AO to Africa?
Biggy writes for ConstantlyOffside.com, will forget at least two critical things this summer on his way to the World Cup and has strongly considered a passport tattoo.