Beer & Soccer: Donning America’s Boomstick

Long time readers of TSG will be familiar with this piece here that serves as your beer selection crib sheet for official USA functions.

Thankfully, one of our most valuable contributors, Dan Wiersema, founder of the Free Beer Movement is back with an update to that piece tailored specifically for tomorrow’s historic showdown.

Discount Dan’s knowledge and experience at your own peril tomorrow. He grew up in Milwaukee and he lives in Austin, Texas.

When will Landon get his own beer? After beating England, F'Yeah!

It’s been an up and down journey to this very day. USA versus England is FINALLY here.  And TSG has broken down the tactics, compared the line ups, the coaches, the fans, the media, the… whatever else there’s left to compare between the two sides.

But in this intense run up to the day we’ve been eagerly anticipating we’ve looked over one of the most crucial aspects of all. What are you going to be doing during the actual game? More specifically what are your drinking during each second and each subsequent minute of this nerve racking match up?

Not to worry. TSG and the Free Beer Movement has brought back our “Beer and Soccer Review Series” for another round (pun intended). This time we’ve got situation-by-situation recommendations what you, the American soccer fan, should have in your hand during the battle between the Yanks and the Wanks.

DISCLAIMER: Before engaging in any of these brilliant recommendations please make sure to appoint a designated driver. Preferably English as to ruin his or her day.

Breakfast: Really? You can eat at a time like this? It’s probably a good idea to bury those butterflies in a good base meal.

From Matthew at TSG: "Dan, I like Beamish...."

FBM RECOMMENDS: We’ve heard that Matthew is partial to Guinness (Ireland) over his oatmeal and we’re not going to argue with the man who pays us the big bucks to turn out crud like this. Two things that are good about this; 1) Guinness is Irish and the English hate the Irish so you’ve already set someone off in some grey and rainy corner of Britannia 2) Oatmeal is healthy and full of fiber. It’s like lining a hamster cage with sawdust; it’s going to soak everything up.

One Hour Priot to Kick Off This is the last time we’re going to mention it, so HYDRATE. Like any good athlete you are about to engage in fierce battle. It is important to properly load up on the ol’ H(two)O . Don’t like water?

FBM RECOMMENDS: The Landon Donovan endorsed Gatorade “Prime” Pre-Game Fuel (Florida). Is it good? Who knows! LD10 likes it and, therefore, so do I!

Within 30 Minutes of Kick Off: For God’s sake DO NOT get caught ordering a drink as the whistle blows. Get to the bar NOW. We recommend starting with another anti-English drink, the American India Pale Ale.  You know what makes the English really mad? Taking their beer and making it better.

FBM RECOMMENDS: Bear Republic “Hot Rod Rye” India Pale Ale (California) This beer is for coming out of the gate strong as we hope our boys in the Red, White, and Blue do at kick off.  Start strong with this tasty beer that is brewed with rye malts which makes it a head (more beer puns!) above the rest.

Star Spangled Banner: Nothing. Be quiet. This is our national anthem.

FBM RECOMMENDS: Shhhhhhhhhhhhh….

In between the national anthem and kick off: American Outlaws sing! “We love ya! We love ya! And everywhere we’ll follow, we’ll follow. Because we support the U.S.! The U.S.! And that’s the way we like it. Woo Oh Oh Ooooooo! Woo Oh Oooooooo!”

In a can....done.

FBM RECOMMENDS: Nothing is truer than AO and nothing is more AO than Pabst Blue Ribbon (Wisconsin). PBR me, ASAP!

Kick Off: Too nervous. Stop talking to me. No, I do not need to go to the bathroom. I’ve turned off my urination system.

FBM RECOMMENDS: Light, nervous final sips on your PBR.

An Early US Goal: Pandemonium! We’ve got this! Shots for everyone!

FBM RECOMMENDS: Check the budget. OK. No shots for “everyone”. You… you…. And… you get one. Have some Jim Beam Bourbon Whiskey (Kentucky), founded in 1795 right around the birth of our great nation and the death of our colonial overloads. Just like today!

An Early England Goal: Sadness. Depression. Worst-case scenario. Spiraling out of control. No. No. Get a hold of yourself. WE CAN DO THIS!

FBM RECOMMENDS: Combat the English wave with something all-American. No! Put down that Budweiser! Pick up Rogue “American” Amber Ale (Oregon).  Rally the troops! Sing louder!

Jay DeMerit Clears It Off the Line: Phew. That was close.  We’ve said it before. DeMerit is a Wisconsin boy and he deserves a Wisconsin beer.

FBM RECOMMENDS:  Break out Miller High Life (Wisconsin). Sometimes to live the high life you have to live it on the edge. We can celebrate good defense as well.

Clint Dempsey Bags One: ‘Ol “Onion Rings” gets it done again!

FBM RECOMMENDS: Take one wild American and drink up with one American Wild Ale with Lips of Faith “Biere de Mars” brewed by New Belgium Brewing Co. (Colorado).

Halftime: Take a breather. Assess the situation. Wait…. Is that some random person in the corner eating a sandwich? Does he even know what’s playing out right now?

FBM RECOMMENDS: Follow the Free Beer Movement philosophy. Buy this man, woman, but not child a drink!

Supersub Robbie Findley SCORES! Speed kills and that was the death blow.

FBM RECOMMENDS: Wasatch Brew Pub’s “Polygamy” Porter (Utah) from Findley’s Salt Lake City (I had to find a way to get that in here).

Yellow Card, Michael Bradley: That wasn’t unexpected.  Re-group. Play with a little more head there Sweatpants Jr. We need something to settle the nerves.

FBM RECOMMENDS:

Red Card, John Terry: Ha! Karma’s a B! Looks like JT gets to be the English goat this World Cup.

FBM RECOMMENDS: Surely you’re not kidding? Terry? A red card? Believe it. Don’t be bitter, my English friend. Head to the bar for a Surly “Bitter Brewer” English Bitter (Minnesota).

Wayne Rooney Gets One Back: Rut-row. We’ve got a game on our hands. Well, that was kind of expected. He is one of the greatest players in the game currently. Why couldn’t he be living in that trailer like the Nike commercial? Sweat is building on the brow. Hand shaking.

FBM RECOMMENDS: We need a shot. We swore it wouldn’t come to this, but desperate times call for desperate measures. We’re going south of the border. Jose Cuervo “Tradicional” (Mexico) is what will sooth the nerves.

"C'mon Dan...what are we drinking when I get pulled to the turf?!" (courtesy, Matt Mathai)

Jozy Altidore Draws a Penalty, Landon Donovan Converts: WTF?!?! What’s going on? Game on!

FBM RECOMMENDS: What better for a WTF moment then Lagunitas’ “Wilco, Tango, Foxtrot” Strong Ale (California).

USA Wins! 1776! 1783! 1814! 1950! 1993! 2010! Into the streets! No need to pinch yourself… that just happened. Take a cheap beer and shake it up and spray it all over the place! Cops?!? Run back inside and pretend you weren’t just doing that.

FBM RECOMMENDS: VICTORY IS OURS! How about Victory Brewing Company’s…. well… “Victory” Lager?

————–

We didn’t really want to write this, but suppose it is a possibility.

USA and England Draw: Hmmm… well…. I guess that’s good to get a point. I mean, it’s the World Cup and every point counts. Especially in the first match.

FBM RECOMMENDS: Not good enough! Victory Or Death! Alright. Relax. Have a drink. In the end we’re really of two minds about this result. Coulda, shoulda, woulda ends with a solid result.  What better to satisfy two minds, but a Bell’s “Two Hearted” Ale (Michigan).

England Wins… Wipe away the tears. It was a well fought battle, but, remember, the World Cup is a war.  We’ve got two more games to rebound and move on to the next round.  Watch out Slovenia! Watch out Algeria! The Yanks are coming!

FBM RECOMMENDS: Time for a “Reality Czeck” by Moonlight Brewing Company.

Whatever the result we’d better start thinking about the next match. How about an AleSmith “Evil Dead” Red (California) because Slovenia is about to get the “Bruce Campbell treatment”. Say hello to America’s BOOMSTICK!

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19 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Spenser on 2010/06/11 at 1:52 PM

    If Deuce scores, drink a Shiner or Lone Star! True to Texas!

    Reply

  2. Love the piece.

    Noticed while looking at the picture that Pabst Blue Ribbon has a red DIAGONAL SASH on the can. What a good choice for the national anthem.
    And if for some insane reason you forget to wear your jersey or said jersey has not arrived in the mail yet. Never fear, just hold your Pabst can proudly next to your chest directly over your heart while singing the national anthem. You will feel like you are almost standing right next to the players in SA (and somewhere Brian Ching is doing the very same thing)….
    …..for added fun smash an empty Pabst Blue Ribbon can on your head every time Demerit successfully clears a ball with his head….Game on.

    Also I am from MI. Like the admiration for “Two Hearted Ale”. Personally if I need to melow out in Pre-game I start with another Bell’s product: Oberon.

    Few more to calm the nerves whenever:
    Brown Ale (Short’s Brewing Co)
    http://www.shortsbrewing.com/beer/our-portfolio/annual-beers/bellaire-brown/ Summer Shandy
    Summer Shandy (Leinenkugel)

    http://leinie.com/summer_shandy.html

    Reply

    • Posted by Kevin on 2010/06/11 at 10:03 PM

      I don’t know who wouldn’t have said jersey in the mail yet… Do you? If you haven’t ordered it yet run to a local sports store early in the morning and pick up whatever they have USMNT at this point it doesn’t matter If it has a number after all you’re supporting the USMNT not a player right?

      Reply

  3. Posted by Christopher on 2010/06/11 at 2:26 PM

    What a great post! I’m planning on joining the movement tomorrow.

    Will make sure to have India Pale Ale and Cerveza Pacífico in the case of the Herculez or Torres goal…

    Reply

  4. I’m going to stick with Guinness all morning and afternoon tomorrow. How many probably depends on how the match is going at the time…

    Reply

  5. Posted by kaya on 2010/06/11 at 2:54 PM

    Someone realized you guys had a good thing going on here and decided to move in on the real estate: http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=igoe/100610_world_cup_beer_bracket
    I haven’t read through it yet; just noticed it… cute idea, but they’re missing the qualifying stage from within each country. And I don’t see how Kronenburg qualifies out of group A, so I’m very skeptical…

    Reply

  6. Posted by kaya on 2010/06/11 at 3:00 PM

    Btw, I love the imagination in this article, and fully support anyway to make a reference to Polygamy Porter. I’m a huge porter fan and can vouch for the flavor of that beer (if not so much the alcohol content.) I love beer and am a huge beer snob… I can barely look at PBR let alone drink it, however I might as well make it my 2010 official beer since I’m relegated to N/A beer now, anyway. On that account, I really enjoy the overpriced Kaliber, but 2nd is Clausthaller. /cry

    Reply

  7. Posted by Brad on 2010/06/11 at 3:29 PM

    Thoroughly entertaining and some great suggestions….Hopefully we’ll all be drinking Victory Lager’s tomorrow afternoon!

    Reply

  8. Posted by GeorgeCross on 2010/06/11 at 6:13 PM

    What beer do you suggest for a DeMerit own goal?

    Reply

  9. I’ve been drinking since 10AM and I really enjoyed this post. Starting again tomorrow at 7:30 sharp. Yup, I’m on the Victory HopDevil after a couple of Sean’s bloody mary’s.
    Also Stone IPA, which I’m starting on now. Victory reserved for tomorrow.

    Reply

  10. Posted by John on 2010/06/11 at 8:44 PM

    Drinking American ale as a pre game.

    Reply

  11. Posted by Kevin on 2010/06/11 at 10:14 PM

    Don’t buy beer for kids? But how else am I supposed to get beer? I’m just kidding I’ll just take shots of ginger-ale. Wouldn’t that be… Lame? I don’t need a designated driver…I can’t drive! I could go on for a while but I need to atleast try to sleep.

    Reply

  12. Posted by GeorgeCross on 2010/06/12 at 3:42 AM

    I have a strong feeling that I am going to get to the pub and won’t be able to get in because of capacity issues. It will piss me off a treat as I have watched *every* single WCQ and most friendlies in this pub, but I will get shafted because all of the people coming out of the woodwork (English and American). Grr.

    I guess I will find out how church-goers feel every Christmas at Midnight Mass.

    Reply

  13. Posted by Trace on 2010/06/12 at 11:42 AM

    Yes, Guinness, my favorite beer! Mind if I re-post this on the Guinness facebook page? http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/GuinnessUS?ref=ts

    Reply

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