Beer & Soccer: Slovenian Sauce

With the Rumble in Rustenburg in the rearview mirror and an encouraging result in the bag against the vaunted English our Nats roll into Ellis Park the masters of their own destinies.

This SLOVENIAN beer is a complete "NO!" regardless of what time it is

In Johannesburg the U.S. National Team will face a very different challenge in the Slovenians, billed as a mirror-image side to the Yanks.

For the Free Beer Movement a challenge arises as well. Kick off for this match is not a sunny Saturday afternoon, but one as the sun is peaking above the horizon. Yes, that oddity in the drinking day: breakfast.  Across the nation Americans will awake to navigate the various early morning drinking laws of their locales. In some places (like our nation’s Capital) good government has triumphed and the suds will flow and in other places it will require a sneaky flask to “Irish”-up their coffee away from the gaze of the long arm of the law.

For many of us we’ll trade one of those double-fisting beer hands for a co-pilot of coffee. Either way, though, you’ll need to file away a few beer recommendations for the morning mow-down of the Zelen Zmaj (“Green Dragons”).

As we did for our US-England Drinking Guide we’ll provide a few situational recommendations to navigate your way through an American victory that will put us on top of Group C.

(Just as a side note… even if many of these beers are unavailable in your area/current season we’d recommend printing off a copy of each of these columns and keeping them close by for travels and what-not).

Hey Beas, you wake up! Game time is a tidy 4pm your time, c'mon man!

The Night Before: No late nights for you kiddo. There’s a big game on tomorrow morning.

FBM RECOMMENDS: Lay off the sauce. Don’t wanna risk missing this one. Sleep in USMNT jersey.

Roll Out of Bed: Dang…. Look at the time. Shake head. Yes! It’s like and EPL weekend in the summer. Roll of out of bed already in USMNT jersey. Lookin’ sharp!

Looks like Dan is changing his movement's name to the EAFMB...the Extremely Aggressive Free Beer Movement...

FBM RECOMMENDS: Skip the mouthwash and use Rumplemintz Peppermint Schnapps instead. You wanted to have your breath smelling nice, didn’t you? Might as well get some liquor in ya as well.

Pre-Game: Walk into the bar with proudly sporting that bed-head, but make sure you check the cheek for drool. No one likes a drooler.

FBM RECOMMENDS: Coffee! Stat! It’s up to you if you want to make it an “Irish” coffee, but we’re sticking with the black. Nothing clears the senses for taking in the Nats like a strong, black coffee. Once that’s down you’re ready for game time.

National Anthem: We’ve said it before, but… shhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

FBM RECOMMENDS: A nice, cold glass of STFU.

Kickoff: You’ve got about four minutes of John Harkes’ hot air between the last bars of the “Star Spangled Banner” and the opening whistle so make your way to the bar for your first breakfast beer.

FBM RECOMMENDS: Just like our boys in the red, white, and blue you’d better go hard from the get-go or go home. Try Founders “Breakfast” Stout (Michigan) with 8.3% ABV of coffee-flavored goodness. Coach Sweatpants should take a page out of such a strong start.

Timmy Howard Makes His First Save of the Game: TIIIIIIIIIMAAAAAAY! Those ribs look as solid as a Texas BBQ.

FBM RECOMMENDS: Guinness! (Ireland) For Strength! We’re dipping back into this Irish well because strength is what Howard and the rest of his defensive crew is going to need today. Watch out for the counter attack.

Jose Francisco Torres Makes an Appearance: Ole! We’ve been wanting to see the Mexican maestro dictate play on the field and he really could shake up the possession game in the midfield/

FBM RECOMMENDS: You know what we really like to drink with our soccer breakfast? A “michelada” with Negra Modelo (Mexico). If you’ve never had one before you’re missing out on a real, spicy treat. Think: a Bloody Mary with beer and you’ve got a “michelda” (note: not a chelada… that is disgusting). A real eye-opener if it’s spicy enough. Hopefully Torres has the same impact.

Slovenia Defends Doggedly: The Green Dragons won’t go quietly into the night and are being stubborn. Why won’t you just lay down and die!

FBM RECOMMENDS: What better way to sink Slovenia than take away their source of strength and jersey design. Surely you don’t mean….? Yes. It’s time to “tap the Rockies”. Desperate times call for desperate measures and sometimes only the “Silver Bullet”, Coors Light (Colorado),can slay such a mountainous beast.

Set Piece Goal for the US: These are usually the Americans’ specialty and we’d like to see another curling Donovan corner find the back of the net straight on or off the head of one of his teammates.

From Donovan's foot to the back of the net...

FBM RECOMMENDS: If you’re going to meet one of LD10’s crosses in the air you need some hops. Celebrate the airborne goal with some hops of your own. Sierra Nevada “Torpedo” Extra IPA (California) ought to do the trick.

US Runs Out to a 3-0 Lead and Messes with Charlie Brown Like Lucy Did: Coach Sweatpants got everything right with his tactics this morning and now he’s just pulling the ball back on ol’ squiggle shirt now. Will they ever get the ball?

FBM RECOMMENDS: Well, if you’re messing with Charlie Brown you’ve gotta go with a brown ale. We say Dogfish Head Indian Brown Ale (Delaware) is perfect for sitting back and watching the US take control of the match. Part Scotch Ale, part IPA, part American brown… this beer is the complete package, just like the complete performance a 3-0 result would testify to.

US Wins: As Yoda said, “There is no try, only do.” We’re not playing for the draw here. It’s win or pretty much close up shop. We will win.

FBM RECOMMENDS: With three points in the bank we’re really in control of the group now. Finish like the U.S. team, full steam ahead with a lighter, but still just as tasty Anchor “Steam” Beer (California).

And we’re on to Algeria and first place in the group. Our BOOMSTICK proved to be mightier than the Slovenia sword!

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4 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by US 3 - Slovenia 1 on 2010/06/17 at 5:05 PM

    somewhere between rolling out of bed and check your cheek for drool you forget the all too crucial bong hit, if you need any help with that Jimmy Conrad and his van can pick you up

    Reply

  2. Ahhh…the Silver Bullet, for slaying the most stubborn of werewolves. Good ol’ college days.

    Reply

  3. Posted by kaya on 2010/06/17 at 6:16 PM

    If the US get a 3-0 lead I’m skipping the beer and going straight for the Milagro.

    Reply

  4. Posted by Eric on 2010/06/17 at 11:07 PM

    Hahahahahaha… You have NO IDEA! I’m going for extra cream in the coffee, as hOOters is the only place in Huntsville, Alabama that will be open for the game!! Of course, the cooks will all be late and hung over after the awesome Mexico win over those sleazy Frenchies!!!

    Reply

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