Incomplete of course, but a few things we still need to check off…:
For Sunil Gulati:
The Sepp Blatter Punching Bag….For someone who couldn’t punch the United States ticket to hosting the World Cup 2022. We also get Gulati one of those disappearing ink pens for when he has to resign Bob Bradley in the Winter of 2014 because Jurgen Klinsmann takes the Chivas coaching gig but then subsequently gets fired and becomes available….finally.
For Maurice Edu:
An injury free campaign followed by a transfer to Serie A or the EPL so he can strut his top level stuff.
For JP Dellacamera:
The John Harkes Ventriloquist Doll. Here’s the plan for Dellacamera. He chloroforms Harkes, takes the doll and throws the voices himself. He doesn’t do this to improve the broadcast but more just not to lose his mind at having the worst seat in the house.
Last time we use the word “chloroform” I would imagine on TSG as well.
For Andy Najar:
….Dax McCarty. Congrats you already scored brother with the stocking-stuffer-sized center mid who can move the ball.. What an early gift! Can you say, “Switch Field!”
And to Ben Olsen, a five-game win streak to open the season. The young coach deserves it. Which reminds us…
For Najar, Mwanga and Le Toux:
For Carlos Tevez:
Some respect…give me a break. Hasn’t he pledged his heart to West Ham, Manchester United, Manchester City and Maradona ad nauseum?
And while we’re at to Dimitar Berbatov, how about a conscience or some drive or a super tight elastic manband to act as a tourniquet.
Yeah, that last one.
For Taylor Twellman:
Peace of mind…literally and a megaphone to shout at youth soccer coaches from his pulpit in Boston.
The MLS franchise they deserve. You get one too Atlanta and you Florida. Heck, who else wants one before the Cosmos marketing machine gobbles up another city’s slot?
No need to worry about a FIFA regulation 20-teams now, is there?
For the Los Angeles Galaxy:
Wisdom….to pass on the mercurial potential transfer-in of Ronaldinho…that move has disaster written all over it.
For Fox Soccer:
High definition cameras and some studio sets not made out of sound proof foam walling, jerseys on hangers, and/or paper mache.
For my daugher, Little Miss Shinguardian:
…a left foot just like Juan Vargas.
Nestled into a hilltop in Tuscany in a Fiorentina kit is Juan Vargas. The Peruvian international would be “that household name” if Peru ever made a run at World Cup qualifying.
Vargas is a left overlapping defender in the vain of a Danny Alves or Ashley Cole which a little bit more one-on-one break down ability. This year the prodigious defender has been moved up to midfielder and rumors have circulated that Barcelona are sniffing around.
Oh momma, can you say “Left footed defender” and “College scholarship to Brown!”
For Bob Bradley:
…Teal Bunbury and Juan Agudelo buddy-buddy.
A great point made by Dean in the comment section Monday to follow up on Taylor Twellman’s comments on a strike partnership for Jozy Altidore:
“I agree with Taylor on needing a better pairing for Jozy Altidore with the National team. Remember when he was paired with Juan Pablo Angel in the Red Bulls?”
Let’s hope the January camp sees a developing strike partnership between Agudelo and Bunbury up top as a start. Word is the pair dazzled in their recent Generation Adidas tour.
…or, or we could just get Coach Sweats a wider field so he can play seven central midfielders.
To stand up to FIFA if there was corruption in the World Cup 2022 bid process that is known even if it can’t be proven and too come out publicly in admonishment of statements like Sepp Blatter’s yesterday on gay sex in Qatar at 2022. Maybe Jews shouldn’t go to Temple on Saturday’s. Or maybe women shouldn’t dress as they deem appropriate too?
Seriously, the…world is okay with this? USSF…is..okay with this? C’mon land of the free; home of the brave.
For Robbie Findley…
Prescription goggles…oh you didn’t know? Okay, let’s start with an eye exam (that at least fakes that diagnosis.)
For Arsene Wenger:
No goalie…ever. It’s almost like Wenger is teasing his fans year after year as they keep asking the question, “If we only had a first rate goalie.” May you transfer in Robert Green in January. Done, dusted.
For Charlies Davies:
A chauffeur, 24-7. Same goes for Sporting KC coach big Pete Vermes (sorry buddy, you asked for it.)
For Dan Flynn:
Who? An identity.
For the Columbus Crew:
Respect for their elders…oops…too late.
Maybe I can paddle out with Frankie now though?
For Kyle Martino:
A David Beckham suit, as he mentions here. Congrats to our good friend Martino who will now be known always as Eva Amuri +1 (and be better for it.) Congratulations on the engagement and get ready to be a perennial red carpet date good man.
Or you just may be a…wait for it…a Dead Man Walking?
For our good friends, the American Outlaws:
A flashing neon sign in ESPN’s offices that broadcasts, “That’s not Sam’s Army” every time John Harkes or Julie Foudy are about to speak.
Or maybe just shock them when they drop the wrong moniker on the burgeoning US Soccer Supporter Group.
For Ives Galarcep:
What do you think he wants? What do you think he is hoping for? Do you think he’ll like what you get him? (All in good cheer.)
For Mikey Bradley:
A transfer to Roma to replace Daniel De Rossi. How ironic, an American to replace the most hated Italian by American soccer fans. Seems so very…Mike Bradley-like.
For Stu Holden:
An audition in central midfield where he belongs for the national team. Can’t show this strike enough, can we?
For Don Garber:
Some TV ratings and a little more respect for a job well done. Now let Donovan…if he wants…go in peace.
For Landon Donovan:
A dog walker…so he can explore the pitches overseas and maybe stay for good?
For the USMNT:
An annual match against Mexico.
To our good friends at the Freddy Fund:
Just a little more coin to get that field. Good luck guys. We’re pulling for ya!
To the Colorado Rapids
Smelling salts to make sure their owner is still alive and consideration for a DP to follow up on their championship campaign.
To Sporting KC:
Season ticket holders in abundance. Merry Christmas! Good luck with that stadium! For the New England Revolution….GET ON THE
BUS TRAIN! (Thanks Patrick!)
For The Shin Guardian:
Some advertisers at some point in the future, some budget and some more great reception from players, coaches, etc that we request interviews from. Thanks again to all of you.
For our friend Super Revs (fan) Prairie Rose Clayton:
A Qatar constitutional change impacting dress code, etc.
Her response: “If you added the Qatar line, you’d have to do it not on my behalf, but on behalf of the entire nation of Brazil.”
Our reply: “How bout more like on behalf on everyone going to the World Cup…especially the Brits?”