A Little Last-Minute TSG X-Mas Shopping, You Know…

Incomplete of course, but a few things we still need to check off…:

For you Sunil....

For Sunil Gulati:

The Sepp Blatter Punching Bag….For someone who couldn’t punch the United States ticket to hosting the World Cup 2022. We also get Gulati one of those disappearing ink pens for when he has to resign Bob Bradley in the Winter of 2014 because Jurgen Klinsmann takes the Chivas coaching gig but then subsequently gets fired and becomes available….finally.

For Maurice Edu:

An injury free campaign followed by a transfer to Serie A or the EPL so he can strut his top level stuff.

For JP Dellacamera:

The John Harkes Ventriloquist Doll. Here’s the plan for Dellacamera. He chloroforms Harkes, takes the doll and throws the voices himself. He doesn’t do this to improve the broadcast but more just not to lose his mind at having the worst seat in the house.

Last time we use the word “chloroform” I would imagine on TSG as well.

For Andy Najar:

….Dax McCarty. Congrats you already scored brother with the stocking-stuffer-sized center mid who can move the ball.. What an early gift! Can you say, “Switch Field!”

And to Ben Olsen, a five-game win streak to open the season. The young coach deserves it. Which reminds us…

For Najar, Mwanga and Le Toux:

Eligibility.

For Carlos Tevez:

Some respect…give me a break. Hasn’t he pledged his heart to West Ham, Manchester United, Manchester City and Maradona ad nauseum?

And while we’re at to Dimitar Berbatov, how about a conscience or some drive or a super tight elastic manband to act as a tourniquet.

Yeah, that last one.

For Taylor Twellman:

Peace of mind…literally and a megaphone to shout at youth soccer coaches from his pulpit in Boston.

For Detroit:

The MLS franchise they deserve. You get one too Atlanta and you Florida. Heck, who else wants one before the Cosmos marketing machine gobbles up another city’s slot?

No need to worry about a FIFA regulation 20-teams now, is there?

For the Los Angeles Galaxy:

Wisdom….to pass on the mercurial potential transfer-in of Ronaldinho…that move has disaster written all over it.

For Fox Soccer:

High definition cameras and some studio sets not made out of sound proof foam walling, jerseys on hangers, and/or paper mache.

Other one, honey...

For my daugher, Little Miss Shinguardian:

…a left foot just like Juan Vargas.

Nestled into a hilltop in Tuscany in a Fiorentina kit is Juan Vargas. The Peruvian international would be “that household name” if Peru ever made a run at World Cup qualifying.

A left foot...just like Vargas...

Vargas is a left overlapping defender in the vain of a Danny Alves or Ashley Cole which a little bit more one-on-one break down ability. This year the prodigious defender has been moved up to midfielder and rumors have circulated that Barcelona are sniffing around.

Oh momma, can you say “Left footed defender” and “College scholarship to Brown!”

For Bob Bradley:

…Teal Bunbury and Juan Agudelo buddy-buddy.

A great point made by Dean in the comment section Monday to follow up on Taylor Twellman’s comments on a strike partnership for Jozy Altidore:

“I agree with Taylor on needing a better pairing for Jozy Altidore with the National team. Remember when he was paired with Juan Pablo Angel in the Red Bulls?”

Let’s hope the January camp sees a developing strike partnership between Agudelo and Bunbury up top as a start. Word is the pair dazzled in their recent Generation Adidas tour.

…or, or we could just get Coach Sweats a wider field so he can play seven central midfielders.

For USSF:

Some…cough..sack.

To stand up to FIFA if there was corruption in the World Cup 2022 bid process that is known even if it can’t be proven and too come out publicly in admonishment of statements like Sepp Blatter’s yesterday on gay sex in Qatar at 2022. Maybe Jews shouldn’t go to Temple on Saturday’s. Or maybe women shouldn’t dress as they deem appropriate too?

Seriously, the…world is okay with this? USSF…is..okay with this? C’mon land of the free; home of the brave.

Your done with this look, right Edgar?

 

For Robbie Findley…

Prescription goggles…oh you didn’t know? Okay, let’s start with an eye exam (that at least fakes that diagnosis.)

For Arsene Wenger:

No goalie…ever. It’s almost like Wenger is teasing his fans year after year as they keep asking the question, “If we only had a first rate goalie.” May you transfer in Robert Green in January. Done, dusted.

For Charlies Davies:

A chauffeur, 24-7. Same goes for Sporting KC coach big Pete Vermes (sorry buddy, you asked for it.)

This is...Dan Flynn

For Dan Flynn:

Who? An identity.

For the Columbus Crew:

Respect for their elders…oops…too late.

Maybe I can paddle out with Frankie now though?

For Kyle Martino:

A David Beckham suit, as he mentions here. Congrats to our good friend Martino who will now be known always as Eva Amuri +1 (and be better for it.) Congratulations on the engagement and get ready to be a perennial red carpet date good man.

Or you just may be a…wait for it…a Dead Man Walking?

For our good friends, the American Outlaws:

A flashing neon sign in ESPN’s offices that broadcasts, “That’s not Sam’s Army” every time John Harkes or Julie Foudy are about to speak.

Or maybe just shock them when they drop the wrong moniker on the burgeoning US Soccer Supporter Group.

For Ives Galarcep:

What do you think he wants? What do you think he is hoping for? Do you think he’ll like what you get him? (All in good cheer.)

For Mikey Bradley:

A transfer to Roma to replace Daniel De Rossi. How ironic, an American to replace the most hated Italian by American soccer fans. Seems so very…Mike Bradley-like.

For Stu Holden:

An audition in central midfield where he belongs for the national team. Can’t show this strike enough, can we?


For Don Garber:

Some TV ratings and a little more respect for a job well done. Now let Donovan…if he wants…go in peace.

For Landon Donovan:

A dog walker…so he can explore the pitches overseas and maybe stay for good?

For the USMNT:

An annual match against Mexico.

To our good friends at the Freddy Fund:

Just a little more coin to get that field. Good luck guys. We’re pulling for ya!

To the Colorado Rapids

Smelling salts to make sure their owner is still alive and consideration for a DP to follow up on their championship campaign.

To Sporting KC:

Season ticket holders in abundance. Merry Christmas! Good luck with that stadium! For the New England Revolution….GET ON THE BUS TRAIN! (Thanks Patrick!)

For The Shin Guardian:

Some advertisers at some point in the future, some budget and some more great reception from players, coaches, etc that we request interviews from. Thanks again to all of you.

Additions:

For our friend Super Revs (fan) Prairie Rose Clayton:

A Qatar constitutional change impacting dress code, etc.

Her response: “If you added the Qatar line, you’d have to do it not on my behalf, but on behalf of the entire nation of Brazil.”

Our reply: “How bout more like on behalf on everyone going to the World Cup…especially the Brits?”

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28 responses to this post.

  1. “For Ives Galarcep:
    What do you think he wants? What do you think he is hoping for? Do you think he’ll like what you get him?”

    Busted a gut this morning for this one. Spot on. This was Ives from the Egypt announcement yesterday:

    “What do you think of the match-up? Who are you hoping gets a call-up? Planning to make the trip to Egypt?:

    What a no-talent ass clown.

    Reply

    • Posted by John Henry on 2010/12/14 at 6:34 AM

      I doubt TSG meant it to be that mean-spirited.

      Reply

      • I see Ives as more of a reporter and less of a columnist.

        Your Joe Buck to TSG’s Dickie V. Great at telling you whats happening and starting discussion, just not necessarily putting himself out there with an actual…opinion.

        Reply

      • Don’t think he was being mean spirited either. Just pointing out Ives’ “brand” of soccer journalism that I happene to think is terrible.

        Reply

        • Posted by sparkie on 2010/12/14 at 6:45 PM

          Ives is actually a nice complement to TSG. They are the two soccer-related RSS feeds that I subscribe to. TSG self admittedly doesn’t “break news” but the commentary/editorial/interviews are 1st rate.

          Ives does indeed provide good value in simply delivering the news.

          Reply

      • Posted by jellenp on 2010/12/15 at 9:17 AM

        Agree + 1000.

        Reply

    • Posted by john godfrey on 2010/12/14 at 7:55 PM

      High-larious.

      I have debookmarked SBI from every Internet-enabled device in my possession because 1) he cedes control to his (barely intelligible) disciples and 2) he never breaks news — he just clicks on it and links to it.

      No interviews, no original reporting, and too much blah-blah from fans who think they are the story.

      Happy to have a new alternative soccer outlet.

      Reply

  2. Posted by MJ on 2010/12/14 at 5:56 AM

    All the USMNT gets is an annual game against Mexico? I want it too but how about some consistency in kit design too?

    And that bit about Ives is the/a reason why TSG is the best soccer site to me. Great having authors whose humanity (in this case, a sense of humor) shine through to their end product. Love it.

    Reply

    • Posted by JW on 2010/12/14 at 11:32 AM

      I think we should keep the sash look. It’s distinctive without being too gimmicky. It’s the first jersey design where you didn’t have to look for the US logo on it to recognize it. The team seems to play pretty well with it on, too.

      Reply

    • Posted by Kevin on 2010/12/14 at 8:05 PM

      If you consider a sash some sort of sideways stripe, then there has been plenty of consistency over the years. I like the sash too, but the problem is it’s pretty hard to come up with noticable differences to the design if you try to stick to just a sash. I mean I don’t really support drastic changes to the “kit” design, but there should definitely be a “noticable” difference.

      Reply

  3. The second the revs get a soccer specific stadium somewhere on a MBTA line not named Foxboro I’m dropping supporters section season tix. Please santa please bring us a stadium for christmas.

    Reply

    • ^and the post should read GET ON THE TRAIN. ;)

      Reply

    • Posted by GeorgeCross on 2010/12/14 at 8:15 AM

      When I lived in Boston, there were rumours that NE Revolution were going to have their on SSS in Somerville. Is there any truth to this?

      Reply

      • Posted by Berniebernier on 2010/12/14 at 8:51 AM

        As someone who lives in Boston and would like nothing more than a soccer specific stadium that is less than a 45 minute drive (even worse on game days as the game times mean you are stuck in rush hour traffic out of the city) I can’t say I am hopeful. Everything I read says its still an option and something they are considering but just don’t see Kraft opening the wallet (otherwise it would have happened). My gut says they are just evaluating all of their options but not really all that interested in building it.

        Reply

        • Posted by GeorgeCross on 2010/12/14 at 9:16 AM

          It was a mission to get down to Gillette if you didn’t have a car, and the MBTA only put on trains for NFL games. I would have gone to a lot more games if there was a cost-effective way to travel.

          Now I live in NYC, I can take the Subway and PATH straight to the stadium with little fuss. It’s really great, and I get to watch live football. Tres happy!

          Reply

        • Somerville would be great. Also a lot of land out near southie that is basically being wasted. Could you imagine a bayside stadium near the convention center?
          Either way, I feel like most of the Boston footie crowd is urban & you put a stadium near the north end or near orange line/southie you’d boost your attendance, and the atmosphere a ton.

          I know a lot of students in the area would get S**tfaced and catch a game (at least during the school year while they are here), especially if ticket prices are as reasonable as most MLS franchises.

          Reply

  4. Posted by dth on 2010/12/14 at 12:51 PM

    D.C. United just picked up Ethan White out of Maryland using the homegrown rules, so it seems they’re doing their Christmas shopping for themselves.

    Reply

  5. Posted by dikranovich on 2010/12/14 at 2:00 PM

    i hate to see such personal shots being taken at john harkes. this is a guy who really bled for his country. you must not be dc united fan if you dont like john harkes. its interesting that john harkes did not play in the 98 world cup because of the hearsay from his fellow teammate roy wegerle.

    Reply

    • Ha I wouldn’t care if he was the pope, he’s a terrible color commentator. I don’t think anybody is saying anything about his ability, or his patriotism.

      As a similar example, I loved lalas as a player but I can’t stand him as a broadcaster.

      Reply

      • Posted by GeorgeCross on 2010/12/14 at 2:49 PM

        Yeah, just because you were a good player, doesn’t mean that you’ll be a good commentator or coach. Requires a different skill set. Many of the best (English speaking) commentators were not players, and the same could be said about *some* of the elite managers (or if they did play, it wasn’t at the top level).

        For the record, I don’t think I have been so wound up with a commentator as I have been with Lalas.

        Reply

        • Posted by jmanking05 on 2010/12/14 at 9:45 PM

          question who is the bill walton of us commentary?
          john harkes or alexi lalas?

          Reply

  6. Posted by kaya on 2010/12/14 at 5:48 PM

    For San Francisco: An MLS team.

    Reply

  7. Posted by mbw on 2010/12/14 at 9:14 PM

    For Oberburgermeister Steve Cherundolo: a Champion’s League berth and some long-overdue recognition for one of the great American club careers.

    Reply

  8. Posted by jellenp on 2010/12/15 at 9:20 AM

    I’d like to wish Little Miss Shinguardian a happy and joyful new year. Yes, I’m going all kittenhead amidst the soccer talk. And I’m not ashamed.

    Reply

  9. For the Dynamo a DP who’s actually deserving of the DP title. They just got wish #1, a new contract with Geoff Cameron, and wish #2 should be coming when the SSS breaks ground after the first of the year.

    Reply

  10. […] all we want for Christmas? How ‘bout one final dime to The Shin Guardian, who put this on their 2010 Shin Guardian Christmas list: FOR MB 90, WHAT WE WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS “A transfer to Roma to replace Daniel De Rossi. How […]

    Reply

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