First, we start with celebrations.
Yep. I’m pretty sure Mr. John Anthony Brooks celebrated the same way we all were feeling after that goal. Basically DID THAT ACTUALLY HAPPEN OMG I’M IN A GLASS CASE OF EMOTION THIS IS UNREAL SOMEONE HOLD ME AND VERIFY THAT THIS IS ACTUALLY REAL LIFE AHHHHHHHHH essentially. Of course, there was always this too.
Earthquake? Might as well have been in SF. Beer showers for everyone!
On to those match ratings:
Tim Howard: 12
Clutch saves. Wrong footed once, can’t blame him for that goal. Dude’s a rock. Hey, remember that time we beat Ghana? Me too. He’s gonna be big in this tournament, trust me. We know he can stop the clones, pretty sure that means he can stop anything.
DaMarcus Beasley: 9
Pretty sure DaMarcus Beasley’s beard stopped Ghana personally on at least three different occasions. It also congratulated Clint on his goal, booked dinner reservations post game, and verbally harassed Gyan about his hairstyle choices. Well played beard. Look forward to seeing what you can do against Pirlo’s beard in the final. A battle for the ages.
Matt Besler: 10
By far the best player for Kansas on the field during the first half. Literally he had no match from any other Kansas-born players, and continued to dominate the Kansas category. Reallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllly hope he isn’t hurt bad. Rest that hammy bud, none of us have any interest in #HammyWatch2014.
Fabian Johnson: 9
Looked to be at fault on Ghana’s goal. Do you know what he wasn’t at fault on? Ghana’s second, third, or seventh goals. Because they didn’t exist! That’s huge. Giving up one goal is infinitely better than giving up seven. Especially when your team scores two goals and you beat Ghana.
Geoff Cameron: 10
Finally playing the center back role that TSG so desperately wanted to see him in, looked good. More importantly, had Gyan in his pocket all night long. No, literally. The TSG superawesomecamera captured this great photo of Cameron just hanging out, talking about who has better taste in hair products with Michael Bradley. Oh, what is that there? Is that the special pocket jersey made for Cameron? It does appear so! And why it appears he has stuffed Gyan right in there, terrible haircut and all. Well done sir.
Michael Bradley: 10
Bradley struggled, but America won, so yeah. Suck it. He also had the shiniest bald head on the field, totally embarrassing Andre Ayew. Step your bald dome reflection game up Ayew if you want to even step on the same field as Michael ‘We Can Reflect The Sun Off This And Generate Solar Power’ Bradley.
Kyle Beckerman: 14
Beckerman stepped up big time in the first game of the World Cup, and it showed he really belonged. He gets a 14 because I’m pretty confident his hair as at least that many dreads of doom. Do you know what you don’t do with dreads of doom? Give them a poor match rating, that’s what. Plus, there’s this. It’s rather sexy, please avert the eyes of small children as it might not be appropriate. That sound you hear is WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOP.
Joe Biden: 10
Joe looked good out there. He needs to work on his first touch a bit, but I think he really has a future with this team. Look for an appearance against Portugal with a similar outcome hopefully.
Jermaine Jones: >9000
Not only did Jones have a massive game, assisting Dempsey’s goal, crushing attacks from Ghana left and right, but he didn’t end Sulley Muntari’s life like we all expected him to do when he got in Jones’ face after a pretty rash challenge. Personally I think that was incredibly kind of Jones. Because I saw a very different outcome when that all went down. Thou shall not offend Jermaine or thou shall be smited -Jürgen 13:13. Remember that, it might save your life someday. Best game in a US kit for Jones, talk about stepping up to the pressure.
Alejandro Bedoya: Ambassador to Brazil
Ale looks good out there. He created some danger, took some decent looks on goal, and whipped in a nasty free kick. He also fulfilled the TSG prediction of him being the US Ambassador to Brazil for the 2014 World Cup by ambassadoring it up out there. He did it well. Hopefully his legs were just cramping toward the end of the of the day because the US is going to need him.
American Outlaws: About 20k.
That’s how many US fans were reported to be at the game in Natal. THAT MANY. Absurd? Yeah, honestly, probably. We’ve come a long way folks. This US support is immense, not to mention the support all over the nation.
Clint Dempsey: 1 Minute
That’s how long it took Clint to score. OH HELL YES. Essentially here’s what happened:
Jozy Altidore: 17
Please be okay. Please please pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee please please. PLEASE. I’ll give you any number you want if we get to see 17 back on the field ASAP. My phone number, my credit card number, my social security number, really any number JOZY.
Swedish Referees: Not Koman Coulibaly
Yes, that’s a number. A number called we didn’t get CONCACAF’D or Koman’d in a ridiculous spot tonight. So it’s a number I love. You should love it too.
Aron Jóhannsson: 10
Tough spot for him to come in. Holding the ball up isn’t really his game. We were victorious, so a 10 for him.
John Anthony Brooks: 1,000,000
Scores a massive goal on his World Cup debut in a game that also cap ties him, that he had to come in at half time as a substitute in an incredibly pressure packed situation. The only real question is if 1 million is high enough?
Graham Zusi: 19!
Speaking of big plays, Zusi has them. And excels at them. Is there a way to say someone is getting more clutch? Because his clutchness is off the charts right now. The clutchness charts.
Mix Diskerud: A perfect 10
Gratuitous hair flip inbound. Why? Why not, that’s why. AMERICAAAAAAAA 3 POINTS LET’S DO THISSSS.