Now, our experts–old and new–are back as we pose a few more upcoming scenarios for matching your beverage with your favorite protagonist, the United States Men’s National Team. Part II, better than the first.
He’s an insurance salesman originally from Des Moines, Iowa who likes model airplanes and leftover Chinese food.
Actually, he’s not. His name is Dan Wiersema and he’s back to help out a second time. Born in Milwaukee, and now a resident of Texas, the man is well qualified to talk a lot more than Shiner Bock.
If you take a read through the comments of Part I of this series, you’ll see John’s litany of beer selections, many that only Norm has heard of. John describes himself as “a Dirk Kuyt fan and firm believer in the fact that you really DO need to twist the boot to avoid the air bubble that forms from two liters of beer.” Um, okay…
A spy gets a skylight pic of the secret process to brewing Die Hipster Beer...
You want credentials! I want credentials…but can you handle the credentials?!
Check this. San Francisco resident Scott Riley is a head brewmaster at Die Hipster Brewing, the purveyor of such fine, smooth libations as Dax McCarthy Pale Ale and Kyle Beckerman Pale Ale. He’s also been paid to write about beer…by GQ nonetheless. You handsome devil, you, Scott.
(Advertisement: Oh, and need a little 2000-teens prog rocking mathematical angst? Check out Scott’s brewmaster-in-crime and fellow TSG Black Sox teammate Chris Hanson…jamming)
Snooki is hardly the best thing to hit the Garden State this past year.
That label goes to the American Outlaws New Jersey Chapter with co-founder “Joe.”
We couldn’t pry a last name out of him and his last known residence is North Caldwell. I wouldn’t mess with the new AO NJ chapter at the Meadowlands today…I’m just saying.
And let’s kick of your USMNT beer selections for a few forthcoming situations:
• You are sitting down for a fireside chat with Sunil Gulati and Robert Kraft
Not many people know that Anton Peterlin played for the SF Seals...and not many people might learn about that either...
Scott, DieHipster: Need two different ones for this. Gulati gets a Colt 45 to remind him that expensive youth club teams aren’t going to produce the USA’s Ronaldo. Kraft gets an Anchor Steam Liberty Ale. Liberty Ale to butter him up (Revs and Pats) and Anchor because SF should have an MLS team. Kezar Stadium. SF Seals. Dare to dream.
Neil, TYAC: One is Robert Kraft, owner of the Revs and the New England Patriots, a consummate winner. The other is Gulati, who in addition to other titles is an economics professor at an Ivy-League college. All of this–New England, the Revs, the Patriots, the Ivy League- demands a beer with a collegiate feel. At base, this fireside chat is the soccer equivalent of an Obama beer summit, so you go for something old yet elegant.
Nothing says New England beer summit like New Hampshire’s Smuttyhouse Shoals Pale Ale, or perhaps more appropriately, something darker and bolder for when the conversation takes a turn to the serious, such as the Cambridge Brewing Company’s Charles River Porter. Both are widely available in the northeast too–so finding them shouldn’t be too tough.
Anyone else see the irony in selecting "Skullsplitter" for a sit down with Gulati? Curious...
John, DirkKuyt: Somehow I imagine this conversation to be exactly comparable to my beer of choice, Skullsplitter. Next we would bring out the Arrogant Bastard Ale, followed by a nod to the 2018 World Cup Bid that took a lot of Sunil’s time with a Budweiser. If the scintillating conversation didn’t have me passing out at this point, I imagine the next logical step would be Amnesia Copacetic IPA. After that much high-alcohol beer we would probably be singing USMNT songs and watching the secret bid DVDs from the World Cup 2018/22 submissions. (Note: by the end we are all drinking Bud Light Lime and Patron.)
Dan, FBM: According to the Wall Street Journal, beer and cheese pairings are becoming more common so when we sit down with these titans of American soccer it’s appropriate that we bring something that goes well with Kraft’s biggest (most terrible) contribution to history: Kraft Singles. And while we’re at it, let’s nail down an official US Soccer corporate sponsor for Mr. Gulati and equally horrific contribution to our food and beverage history: Bud Light (St. Louis, MO). Two awful, generic products while squeezing in some brown nosing as we fire-up the Free Beer Movement PowerPoint presentation.
• Charlie Davies steps back on to the pitch and scores for the USMNT
Charlie Davies time...
Neil, TYAC: This is the one time you put away the fine microbrews and opt for the PBR tallboy. It won’t necessarily be Horatio Alger when Davies scores again for the Yanks, but it will be embraced by the media as a “Rudy”-like slice-of-America moment. Nothing says America like a tallboy of PBR. In fact, if you’re at a pub and are able, you should buy a tallboy for all in your immediate vicinity. What a moment that will be.
Perfect selection Scott...
Scott, DieHipster: Water seems appropriate along with a promise to check in before curfew. If I must have a beer to celebrate this moment, New Belgium’s “Lips of Faith, La Folie.” Pretty sure his Twitter stream and predicament make this one self-explanatory.
Dan, FBM: The return of Davies to the USMNT fold means a total resurrection of his professional career after his brush with death. To that we honor this with The Brewer’s Art Resurrection Ale (Baltimore, MD). Resurrection is an abbey-style ale where in the brewing process the yeast “dies” and is “resurrected” by the brewer. If Davies makes it back to the squad we’re getting some of this air-mailed ASAP.
John, DirkKuyt: While pulling an inverted stanky leg headstand dance in celebration, I would crack open a can of Squirt and remind the kids to celebrate responsibly. We don’t need any more life and death situations due to alcohol in regards to the USMNT.
• Gold Cup 2011, some tykes, some veterans are playing
San Diego representing...
Dan, FBM: With the final of the GC’11 at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena, California we’re packing a tailgating cooler full of local offerings. In particular some brews from one of our favorite breweries in America, Stone Brewing Co., just two hours down the freeway in Escondido. What do we recommend? Stone’s 14 Emperial IPA. Stone prides itself on brewing in the old tradition of British ales with their own “distinctively modern, San Diego-style touch.” Sounds like the perfect match of veteran guile and tyke wiles.
John, DirkKuyt: At the Gold Cup there is a good chance we will get to see some of our youngsters get a run out, but every youth team needs a steady rudder. Therefore, I drink Pliny the Elder in salute to the elder statesman who will attempt to coral the kiddos away from Twitter and Xbox 360 in order to play some winning football.
Joe, AO-NJ: First off, no Coronas, Labatts, Dos Equis, or Red Stripes allowed during Gold Cup play, and I don’t care if it is Jozy Altidore or Santino Quaranta playing.
Only a patriotic beer could be called upon in this situation, and my beer of choice would be a Yuengling Premium Beer, the oldest American beer on the market. It’s a lighter beer, so you won’t feel too full when you are celebrating Ale Bedoya’s double against a weaker Cuba side, but it is also goes down easily enough to drink away that draw against a sub-par Guatemalan side.
Neil, TYAC: The Gold Cup begs for summer brews, and the heat and possible tailgating involved means something lighter that can be consumed in quantities often directly proportional to the quality of the opponent. For example, a close game, at least for me, requires more sobriety so you go even lighter– a classic like the Bahamian Kalik Beer is sufficient. For expected routs, you don’t have to watch alcohol content quite as closely, so you can try a classic summer brew like Sam Adams summer or the light yet full in taste Anchor Steam Liberty Ale.
Scott, DieHipster: Die Hipster’s cabernet barrel-aged brown ale. By then it should be good and sour and ready for us to distribute.
• USMNT player Landon Donovan gets sold to a top four EPL team
Scott, DieHipster: Of course by top four, you mean Spurs. Give me this one and give me two beers for this. One for his beloved Southern California and I’m going with Telegraph’s Reserve Wheat out of Santa Barbara. Excellent interpretation of tart Berlinerweisse. As for where he’s headed, Fuller’s ESB is fine with me. Since Spurs aren’t shipping jerseys until late September, this deal has time to happen for me to call in my changes.
Joe, AO-NJ: First, a room-temperature glass of Korbel Champage, followed by an ice-cold 6-pack of Newcastle Brown Ale. The Korbel to celebrate the move with Landon (#10 said he had a glass of champagne to celebrate the WC roster) and then Newcastle is the perfect beer as it will also be the side that Landon will be scoring upon this winter.
Neil, TYAC: Find the beer brewed closest to the side. In London, this becomes more difficult, but Bass, the 200 plus year old beer from Burton upon Trent is a safe bet for a Landon Chelsea or Arsenal signing.
A Manchester United signing demands something stronger, because while this would be a great day as a USMNT fan it will most likely challenge the foundations of your club allegiances. Arrogant Bastard Ale comes to mind here even though it is brewed in California, because for me I’ll need something strong to accept seeing Landon in that ugly United shirt. Liverpool, don’t drink anything. Just find Chang Beer and pour one out for your homies.
...or maybe not elegance, but DOMINATION!
John, DirkKuyt: As a Liverpool fan I refuse to recognize the top four as anything other than Liverpool, Chelsea, Arsenal and that glorified pub team from Manchester. I think the beer here is Nikaski Total Domination, mostly because of the soul crushing hatred the cross-town move would engender from the other half of Merseyside.
Dan, FBM: Going back to England equals one thing with two very different meanings for Donovan: scoring. Featuring in a top four EPL side could be huge for the LA Galaxy man’s career and luck with the local ladies. Already rumored to be courted by a number of English-sides and rumored to have done a bit of courting of his own in his last trip across the pond, we’ll celebrate his move with a glass of Voodoo Brewing Co‘s Voodoo Love Child Belgiam-Style Triple (Meadville, PA).
• Bob Bradley is anointed coach for 4 more years
A beer that comes in a tackle box...that's just cool...
Neil, TYAC: Depends on your feelings about Bradley. I like Bob, so I’ll just drink my favorite beer, Atlanta’s award winning Sweetwater 420 Extra Pale Ale. It’s a safe choice, with a full body and big flavor, and in all likelihood it will be a pleasant drinking experience. Sounds about like hiring Bob again. If you don’t like Bradley– beer might not be the best route. Try tequilla. Or bourbon.
Scott, DieHipster: Yawn, but ok yawn. With an announcement like this comes the time to build the “Bradley” brand domestically and internationally.
We need a craft brewer not exactly known for audacity or experimentation rather something consistent, organized and hard working. This is a tough one but Brooklyn Brewery gets my nod. Always well constructed, reliable and experimentation kept to a well calculated minimum with their Local 1, 2 and Hopfen-Weisse.
Joe, AO-NJ: WHEN Bob Bradley gets another four years at the helm, I will be celebrating with the “champagne of beers,” the always tasty and always cheap, Miller High Life. We look out for our own here in Jersey, and with Bradley hailing from the great Garden State, I will fully support Sunil Gulati when Bradley gets another four years. With overwhelming support from Sir Alex Ferguson, the USSF would be foolish to let Bob go at this point.
The guy is highly regarded as far as international managers go, over-prepares for every match, and most importantly seems to have the respect of our player pool. The Miller High Life vendors would be proud to call Coach Bob a Certified Purveyor of Miller High Life.
John, DirkKuyt: Domaine Chandon American Sparkling Wine. It does the job. We can afford it. It’s American. The people that have tried the European variety swear by Champagne, but we seemingly can’t afford it and it might not fit in with our group. This drink is typically chased by people sneak-drinking a Sanwald Hefeweizen and swearing that authentic German is the only way to go. (Note: this drink will give a huge hangover in 4 years.)