A Letter from the USMNT to the Mexican National Team, August 12th

Dear Mexican National Team,

Thank you for a well played match yesterday. We commend you on a hard fought come from behind win, and a spectacular first goal. As you all know we as a national soccer team have much to learn from the history that is Mexican soccer.

We would also like to show our appreciation to the hospitality you showed us. Landon was very touched that during the pre-game you brought in a witch doctor to see that he was in proper health. He also was also impressed, as we all were, with the respect he was shown as he was showered with [for lack of a better term] poor mans confetti, sponsored by Coke-a-Cola, while attempting a corner kick.

Our training staff was also taken by the care your team showed to Charlie when he was hampered with a cramp. Most athletes take some time to stretch-out the muscle but our staff is in compliance with your players in that the best way to deal with such a pain is quickly walk it off and ignore it. On this same topic our team would like to apologize for the misunderstanding that took place when you were trying to help Charlie up. Please forgive us but it becomes a natural reaction when we witness two of your players surrounding one of our players as we assume the worst. We were pleased to see that no castration attempt was made on one of our players, as Alexi Lalas warned us about, and Tim was concerned about after our last meeting in February. So considering we don’t feel the choking of Benny was really that sever.

Because of yesterdays match we are rethinking our national strategy. Forgoing the honor of playing such teams as Brazil, Spain, France, England, Germany, Czech Republic, and other honorable teams we feel taking a more thuggish approach might be more effective. Prior to next match we are scheduling some time in Salt Lake to mug and kick the crap out of the locals. We feel this will successfully dishonor our national team on and off the field similar to our neighbors to the south. The lone difficulty we are having is coming up with a way to infuse our fan base into other countries. Fans of the US who are willing to live in these various locations all the while despising there current surroundings and who still praise the United States, seem to be rather difficult to find. Please give us any suggestions you might have.

Thank you again, and we sincerely believe that the 35th FIFA ranking does not account for the dishonorable nature found in your team.

Sincerely,

USMNT.

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