Revelry! And USMNT Jan Camp Begins….

Coach Mike Sorber

“Good morning and welcome to your first day of Camp Cupcake.

For those of you that I’ve only spoken with on the phone, I’m Assistant Coach Mike Sorber and I’ll be taking you through some camp pointers this morning then out to the warm-up pitch. Perhaps some of you youngsters caught me on the tube around 1994–I hope you show the same intelligence and cautious temerity that I showed on the pitch during the Cup run….I digress.

Coach Bradley will be joining us shortly. He’s on the horn with Owen Coyles over in the UK

wondering why the hell he’s got Iceman Stu in for trials with the Clarets when he’s about to take off for Bolton. Let that be a lesson to you all as you bask in your new found MLS success, be cautious about your overseas moves especially during World Cup time–things aren’t always what they seem. I’m talking to you Freddy….Freddy….oh….whoops.

During your time in camp here, we’ll be looking for one or two more folks for the plane to South Africa…I don’t mind telling you that. It’s important not only to dazzle for one practice or one game–one game against a bunch of scrubs from Sweden where you received one really perfect lead pass and pk award for two of your three scores does not a candidacy make–<cough, couch>pardon, but to do it day-in and day-out at practice. The coaching staff will let you know when you’ve arrived, not the other way around.

Take Benny here for example. Young Benny, the apple of many a TSG columnist’s eye, smacked that Gold Cup shot in 2007. Sure Benny had some dings, but Benny will be the first to tell you that he needed to put in more work than he did and focus on improving. It’s been a long road back for Benny <Benny nods> and now he’s one of the most valuable players on the team and leader here in this camp. I’d spend a few minutes with him if you can over the coming weeks–who knows maybe it will get you an invite over to Denmark.

Also chat up that guy that looks like William Defoe over there, his name is Jimmy Conrad and he should be familiar to all of you. Beyond being your player rep and fighting for your salary, Jimmy’s got the job done before and was there in 2006. We’ll be sure to send you over to Jimmy if you need a little kick in the rear so he can share with you the oh-so-warm reception upon his return in 2006. Icy.

(Oh and please discount Jimmy’s MLS rambling manifesto…that even TSG is still attempting to decipher.)

That’s about it, you’ll learn more as we get going here.

A few other notes:

Mop City: Wannabe a Beckerman

• Don’t tussle Dax’s hair–I’m only going to say it once–he’s a teammate not a toy. And speaking of hair- Alston, Beckerman…if the drain is clogged you know I’m coming straight to you.

• Heath, JB, Marvell: You guys are to split the reps on the wingfulls with Brad and Cameron. I think you get our drift…….Oh, Marvell, since I’ve got you here I still have like 500 of your dad’s rookie card and I can’t even get $.05 per….so throw an extra sprint in there when the day’s over.

…and while we’re on sprints CC….we all saw that Slovakia game…and yes we know the pitch was soggy, but…..

• Do not hang out late night with Hollywood Kljestan <Kljestan giggles> over there–if you feel that Sunset strip pull just park your ass right next to Benny or Jimmy.

• Where is Mr. Tracy…..Marcus?….there you are….hey no pressure young man, just remember last year’s striker from Scandinavia was Mr. Charlie Davies.

Alright, that’s it for now boys. Get out there and make it happen. Show me that MLS All-Star means something.


Gonzalez, you come with me so we can get you some shorts that fit. You look like Bruce Murray in those things.”

– USMNT January camp starts rolling…today.

18 responses to this post.

  1. Post hall of fame? haha


    • Posted by patrickhattrick on 2010/01/04 at 6:03 AM

      Definitely would get my vote, although the plane one earlier probably would too. It would be funny if they had a coach that treated them like soldiers. I mean, c’mon, how funny would it be to see Beckerman salute?


  2. Posted by bw on 2010/01/04 at 11:00 AM

    photo is alston, not beckerman.


    • Posted by matthewsf on 2010/01/04 at 11:03 AM

      No kidding :>

      ….reference is to a forthcoming dreadlock competition….between Beckerman and Alston’s mops.

      I know I should have used a difference caption — sorry about that…not changing it now though. :>

      Wait…got an idea…


  3. Posted by Dylan on 2010/01/04 at 11:52 AM

    Viewing Party for Jan. 23 against Honduras
    Where: Bookies Bar
    Detroit, MI
    When: 8:30
    Host: American Outlaws Detroit
    Drink Special: 4 shots & a pitcher for $15

    Sorry for the shameless plug.
    My friend and I are starting an AO chapter in the D and just trying to get some people out.

    So what do you think the Starting 11 is for Honduras?


  4. Posted by bill on 2010/01/04 at 11:59 AM

    This is why columnists are not comedians. Stick with writing something that makes sense instead of awkward jokes and jolting subject hopping while trying to write something clever. I lost interest about 6 corny jokes into this.


    • Posted by matthewsf on 2010/01/04 at 12:05 PM

      Wow, I put my jokes at like two in this one.

      Thanks for the input back. There seemed to be a good reply to our Pitchtown story so took a shot here on this one.

      At TSG, we like to, number one, **be original.** I can’t emphasize that enough.

      And number two, challenge ourselves — so maybe this type of column isn’t out strong suit. We also like to a do a range of pieces: analysis, commentary, Q&A, feature, interview, etc.

      Appreciate the feedback…hopefully you’ll find most of the content on this site qualitative and entertaining.

      One note, put in a real email address next time so that we can both have a dialogue on this–seems fair.


    • Posted by bw on 2010/01/04 at 1:53 PM

      i thought it was funny mate! we as fans/writers can only critique the team in a serious, constructive manor so many times (without seeing any change) before we result to humor. plus, it’s appropriate, this is a blog – not the post or the times. =)


      • Posted by matthewsf on 2010/01/04 at 4:58 PM

        Thanks BW for the shout out. Also, we do want to go beyond the “blog” moniker…in that we want to build a brand stands for good community and quality writing….not volume or frequency of posts.

        But thanks for the shout out….


  5. Posted by matthewsf on 2010/01/04 at 12:00 PM

    Give us a few weeks…even few days here Dylan. :>

    We’ll get a post up about viewing locations for the Hondo match about one week before.

    On the starting 11 for Honduras: I’ll humor you here, off the cuff and with no review–so don’t hold me to this:

    I say there will be a ton of subs, and my shots at the starters (again I’m reserving the right) on Jan 4th is:

    Pearce Goodson Marshall Bornstein
    Rogers, Kljestan, Beckerman, Benny! (moving out Benny wide just for kicks right now)
    Casey, Findley

    Best I can theorize right now….toss-up between Pearce and Wynne out wide.


  6. Good column. I like the humor even if it doesn’t always land right for everyone (how hard is it make jokes about blue collar MLS guys that most USMNT fans have only heard their names in passing.

    The joke/sarcasm columns are a nice mix to throw in with the serious analysis that goes on.

    Missed a few good lines on making Zach Thorton go last through the buffet line!


  7. Posted by freegle on 2010/01/04 at 8:11 PM

    Considering that this camp is, by and large, a joke in itself, I found this to be quite amusing. Well played.


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