TSG: A Rollicking Good Discussion

(Or perhaps a “follicle-ing” good discussion)

We’ve got an eclectic bunch of US soccer supporters and USMNT player body parts today on TSG.

Stu Holden's hair...the early days...

Going to be a fun one on TSG today.

A huge roundtable discussion on MLS uniforms, Don Garber, US player features and of course U.S.S Bob Bradley II steaming to…Brazil.

Joining us is Heath Pearce…’s mustache, Stu Holden’s Hair, two of the crazier soccer supporters Korey Donahoo and Zack Strivins from the American Outlaws, our good friend Tuesday and our favorite coach @FakeBobBradley.

Let’s get started.

1) Do you support Bob Bradley’s 2nd go-around as USMNT head coach?

Korey, American Outlaws: Yes.  One would think that someone who has worn strictly sweat pants for his entire career will eventually get his team playing free-flowing, loosey goosey soccer.  Eventually…

@FakeBobBradley: I believe the correct question should have not “Do you support Bob Bradley,” but “Why wouldn’t you?”

Let’s face it folks.

Landon Donovan didn’t get beyond the Group Stage since 2002..that’s 8 long years. I gave him that opportunity for the game-winning goal.

And another thing if Junior doesn’t get the red card in the Spain game, I’m whupping up on Brazil in the Confederation Cup Final and essentially become the hero for two nations, the U.S. and Brazil because you know they’re firing Dunga after that Final and getting themselves a more respectable Bob Bradley-like coach.

Tuesday, TSG: This is going to end badly. Unfortunately we’ll need to wait 4 years before it does.

Zach, American Outlaws: Hellz yes I do! AO supports anyone who can go to work, watch TV
(film), eat tacos, sleep, come back to work (game), and then finish up
celebrating all while wearing sweatpants. In all seriousness I love
the guy and wish him the best. He’s hard-nosed and all-American. Great
bald man for the job.

Mmm...are those apple pie crumbs?!

@HeathsStache: Well, this is definitely one of those, you wax my mustache, I’ll wax your mustache type situations. In order for me to fully support Bradley he needs to do two things. First, make Heath Pearce a regular part of the national team. Second, get Sunil Gulati to allow mustaches to earn national team caps. I work very hard on the field making Heath look good so it only seems right that I’m properly recognized for my efforts.

@StuHoldensHair: I’m satisfied with Bob Bradley remaining as coach because he doesn’t threaten me in the hair department, but at the same time I feel that a coach with hair would have helped me develop properly, and possibly guide Stu down the right path as he’s been neglecting me lately. The other candidate that was talked about was Klinsmann, he could have possibly helped. His hair used to lean toward the mullet side, and we all know how sad a mullet is, but look what his hair became.

2) What is the most signature feature of any USMNT player of all time: Balboa’s mop, Harkes’ mullet, obviously Kljestan’s stache, McBride’s combover, etc.?

Defend your selection.

The recollection is fuzzy...did this really happen?

@StuHoldensHair: Although it doesn’t define him, Landon Donovan’s bleached locks made me believe that a blonde like me could possibly make a mark, and obviously be better. I would like to add Alexi Lalas to the selection. No one will ever forget the powerful ginger beard. Its status is legendary in the hair world. That is hair to be reckoned with.

@HeathsStache: Cleary it’s Klejstan’s stache. Despite the fact it was a weak attemptat a proper stache, I knew Sacha’s ‘stache and he was a good ‘stache all around, if a bit thin. Still, he was a door opener, a trend setter if you will, helping to bring us ‘staches back in to mainstream soccer. Without him, who knows where I’d be right now! Probably scaring school kids on the face of some out of shape, alcoholic gym teacher.

@FakeBobBradley: I don’t think anyone can argue that John Harkes’ mullet is the answer here.

Sure, my bald pate radiates with confidence…but Harkes’ mullet got him recognized by the Premiership, obviously contributed to swerve but on his infamous shot…and you know it, ahem, gets the girls….all the girls.

Bill Walton's nephew...

Tuesday, TSG: Lalas, the Ginger Jesus. Red Hair and Goatee shining like a beacon as US Soccer emerged from its long dark night. Would he have played in Italy without that hair? I doubt it.

Zach, AO:  This has to go down as Tony Meola’s commercial appearances (the long, drawn-out, flowing screen shots of his (Think Razor Ramon of the WCW) greased up mullet).

See this here is a tough one. I’m going to have to

3) Which MLS team has the best uniform? Why? Which MLS team has the worst uniform? Why?


Best: FC Dallas. Heath plays in this uniform. I’m on Heath’s upper lip. I’m awesome. Therefore, by proxy, the uniform is awesome. FACT.

Worst: New England Revolution. They play in Gillette Stadium. No company has done more to oppress and harm mustaches that Gillette…sorry I’m tearing up writing this…I’ve lost friends and family to Gillette razors, I’ll never forgive them for all the evil they’ve inflicted upon my fellow ‘staches. People always say, “but you can grow back”…IT’S NOT THE SAME. After we’ve been shaved, things are different…it’s like a part of who we are is gone.

@StuHoldensHair: For best uniform in MLS, I have to say Houston Dynamo, or Stu would mutilate me. As for the worst MLS uniform, that would be the Colorado Rapids’s baby blue uniform. It’s so bad that Conor Casey’s hair refuses to grow back, and it caused Andre Akpan’s hair to jump ship.

Zach, AO: The Kansas City Wizards, because they won the 2001 cup, nuff said. The worst goes to Seatlle, XBOX sux (hate on the Chicago Fire and Best Buy
for selling said XBOX’s) AO supports the play of the MLS on the PS3
console and FIFA 2010.

Just one thing, Mr. Garber....

4) If you could tell Don Garber anything, what would you tell him?

Korey, AO: A serious answer…People wont care until the games mean more.  This means making the MLS season have fewer games (which is a big reason why pro and college football are so popular).  The CONCACAF Champions League has a serious prize for the winner, and no one knows it because its been marketed terribly. Other than that, I think he’s doing a pretty good job.  And it really doesn’t matter what I say, he’ll spin it to something positive. So there you go.

@HeathsStache: Grow a mustache. Far too many of my brothers and sisters are destitute and out of work these days. I know Don gets a lot of grief from fans around the country, so what better way to smooth things other with the naysayers than to get a killer ‘stache. So what if people say “never trust a man with a mustache”, nobody trust Don now anyway, what harm could it do. The ‘stache plays Don, the ‘stache plays.

Zach, AO: Get a job with US Soccer and support The American Outlaws and The ShinGuardian

@FakeBobBradley: Well this one’s going to be obvious. I’d tell him to develop a goddamn striker for the love of Pete.

Frankly, I don’t know why he’s wasting his time with the GoUSAbid thing and expanding into Winnipeg, or wherever the hell next, when all the strikers aside from Buddle play for Jamaica!

Seriously, why petition FIFA to have more than twenty teams when only 4 of them,  3 of them (Sacha plays at Anderlect now) have an American that doesn’t sky it into the nosebleeds upon each opportunity!


(Wipes brow….)

@StuHoldensHair: Can he get like a toupee or something? I’m tired of looking at his sad excuse for a hair. I’ve offered advice, but he’s refused. So, Mr. Garber, put your pride aside and let me help.

5) The future of soccer is doomed in this country if….

Korey, AO: …the Real Bob Bradley gets a twitter account.  Can you imagine?  If the same guy who has never had anything interesting to say, even after coaching in a World Cup, had to find something interesting to say after visiting the grocery store? Even people who are used to the mundane and boring (American soccer fans) would lose interest entirel

@HeathsStache: Heath shaves me off his face. Obviously my meteoric rise in popularityis essential to the continued development of soccer as a mainstreamsport in the US. Fans can relate to me, and through me they can relate to soccer. I’m willing to be the conduit that helps millions of American truly appreciate the beautiful game.

@FakeBobBradley: Take a look at my handle over there on the left. It reads Bob Bradley….you want soccer to falter in this country, then remove me from my post.

Stick with me and the Sweats will lead you home….

Zach, AO: Players start putting their nicknames on the back of their shirts (ie. Chicarito)
@StuHoldensHair…if Sunil doesn’t realize the necessity to educate and develop young soccer minds about the Dos and Don’ts of proper hair care. Proper hair care would make the entire national team glorious and happy, and gloriousness and happiness yields results

13 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Ryan R. on 2010/09/15 at 10:28 PM

    Best. Roundtable. Ever.


  2. Posted by T-Muck on 2010/09/16 at 6:26 AM



  3. Posted by coreybbennett on 2010/09/16 at 8:06 AM

    Did this roundtable change my life? Probably not. But did it change the world? Yes, for the better. Wait, what does that say about my life?


  4. Posted by John on 2010/09/16 at 9:03 AM

    Can I start the petition for Jonathon Bornstein to grow a mustache?


  5. Posted by Soccernst on 2010/09/16 at 9:52 AM

    The Evil Gillettes = a coffee spitting moment of mustachioed humor.


  6. Heaths stache for the win


  7. Posted by Antonio H. on 2010/09/16 at 11:56 AM

    Beckerman’s Locks might need a twitter after this world class discussion


  8. Posted by GeorgeCross on 2010/09/16 at 12:50 PM

    Donovan looks like an Albino in that photo…


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