Shwimmy Shwimmy Coco Puff….
Matt Biggerstaff with a thorough technical analysis of last night’s USA-Belize skirmish.
A critical Gold Cup World Cup Non Qualifier (GCWCNQ) was played this evening in Portland, as the US took on Belize. We learned a lot from this game, like the fact you can’t spell WIN without Wondowlowski, and you can’t spell Wondowloski with less than 4 W’s. The US won 6-1, and the red-hot Wondow, who has 4 goals in 2 games looks like a sure bet to unseat some guy who just signed with the Black Hats as the starting striker in the full US team lineup next time they play a match that is more critical than this critical match was. After running some numbers, we figured out that Wondow’s goals to overall touches ratio was approximately 42.917%, which is just unheard of. Clearly this outstanding performance will be a key factor in Wondow’s now clear path to Brazil 2014.
It would be foolish to overlook his likely strike partner, Stu Holden, who is a great example of a modern deep lying striker. Often times hiding near the backline, the unpredictable Holden will strike out of nowhere, like he did this evening. Also, he will look good doing it. That hair ain’t free ladies, you gotta work for that up do. Being good looking will only get Holden so far, fortunately his goal scoring skills are unquestioned, and Klinsmann was kind enough to only unleash them for one half against Belize. After Stu’s goal, we were graced with a crowd shot with some Stu heads, which were lovely, but it made me wonder about the camera crew in Seattle who couldn’t manage get any good shots with some marvelous Clint Dempsey heads I saw there.
Speaking of Klinsmann, his brilliant game plan to use Michael Parkhurst as the fulcrum of the attack was phenomenal. Parkhurst revealed some extremely dangerous attacking skills going forward that have clearly been extremely well hidden for all of Parkhurst’s career, and this was just the sort of game he needed to emerge as the USMNT’s prominent wing back. I am anxiously awaiting his position change on FIFA so I can insert him into my lineup and watch him tear up the lesser squads of the 15 year olds I play online who insult my mother. Who sucks now mofos?
“That’s my bike, punk!” “I got me about $200!”
We also saw a sexy game from Jose Francisco Torres, who could be described as nothing less than bringing sexy back tonight. Between his delicious threaded passes that were true works of art, and that dashing haircut, there was nothing that wasn’t sexy about JFT tonight. The US has sorely been missing some sexy, and Mr. Torres brought that this evening in high quantities. Maybe even enough for me to borrow some, for my friends of course. I certainly don’t need it.
Apparently someone in the locker room confused DaMarcus Beasley with 19 year old Run DMB tonight, as the team attempted to play the man passes that his 19 year old self could have run onto. However today’s wiser and cultured DMB didn’t quite have the wheels to get to most of them (nor would many other human beings.) If someone could alert the squad that this is indeed, a more mature DMB with better taste and many leather bound books, there would be a better chance of him running onto them.
Belize stuck with the tried and true strategy of taking most of their shots from at least 30+ yards tonight, and it clearly paid off, like it often does. The US on the other hand, probably could have used someone yelling ‘SHOOOOOOOOOOOT IT’, like a friend’s dad did ever so kindly in high school pretty much any time we had the ball in the attacking half. Pull the trigger boys, you can’t score if you don’t shoot!
My player ratings:
Beasley – 7 – Another strong game from Run DMB. His shooting could use some improvement.
Corona – 6 – Solid match, looked much more involved then the previous match. Attempted to break some opponents with his shots.
Orozco-Fiscal – 4 – Was offside in a spot he should have scored. Allowed a goal.
Diskerud – 8 – Quickly competing with Torres for best hair. Got cap-tied with this match, win-win for everyone except Norway.
Rimando – 1 – Dude, come on. NO GOALS ALLOWED. That is your mission, and you have failed.
Donovan – 10 – Leading scorer in US history and scored? 10 for you sir.
WondoWlowski – 19 – Scored 3 times in one half? You get extra points in this rating for that.
Parkhurst -15 – Offensive wing back skills will never be doubted again.
Goodson – 21 – Good. Really good. Son!
Beckerman – 14 – Still most likely to accidentally get caught in his hair and suffocate.
Torres – 16 – Sexy is back, and it slots a mean through ball.
Holden – 11 – 3 Stu heads + one Stu is quite nice. But work on that hair dude.
Bedoya – 20 – Almost hit a jumping shot through a defender. That shit ain’t easy.
Shea – 23 – If you don’t get it by now, you won’t at all.
So, Mr. TSG said he couldn’t judge this game or even write about it, so I stepped up instead. Some of this might not be fully serious. My criteria for this game was that the US won by 4, and they did that, so MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. I’m very excited for Wondo, and happy to see Stu.